There is no beginning to this, and realistically there will be no end. So I’ll dive straight into it and try to paint the fuller picture and fill in the background as we go.
I’m compelled to take to written words today of all days because we are just over five years into this, and while I know there has been progress, today is one of those days that remind me just how much damage there is, and how readily that clouds my judgement.
What makes today of all days even more difficult is my questioning my partner’s actions and approach. Is it hindering our family? Slowing things down? Making things worse even? Are we as parents being manipulated: divided and now finally conquered?
So this morning after I’d left the house for work, it transpires world war three kicked off. And for me, the worse thing is not being there to play my part, to reassure myself that everything that can be done is being done, and is being done appropriately, that mistakes aren’t being made. I default to finding and claiming the guilt every time.
I’ve learned that everything I desire is a reaction to the things that happen to me and make me feel out of control. The simple-seeming bird guardian on Country File that I suddenly and inexplicably fall for is a reaction to the complexity of my day that day. The simple life calls to me through every available lens.
I’ve decided that I’m a control freak and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s been instrumental in my career.
I like to be prepared for all eventualities but this is unrealistic.
It’s ok to feel happy, excited and disappointed. Don’t suppress the feelings for risk of getting hurt.
I over analyse the same things and totally miss others. I need to be more decisive and then move on. Maybe mindfulness will help me do this.
I’ve decided to dedicate the next two years to helping my family be safe, heal and grow as close as possible util our boys are young men.
I can’t fix every relationship and I need to get better at knowing when to intervene, when to coach and when to back away.
I take things too seriously. Maybe if I can be more relaxed and fun, those around me can be too.
Maybe my reflection will help you. That would be nice.